By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
3 toxic fights that will crumble your marriage
c645ffc8bfc26ae591cc7c8bb36bf8ac43729f5ef874aca96a59523faf393af5
When tempers flare in your marriage, steer clear of these toxic topics at at all costs. - photo by Georgia Lee
When tempers flare in a marriage it can be hard to keep your emotions under control.

Verbal attacks are considered a good predictor of divorces; meaning the more spouses hurl insults at each other, the more likely they are to divorce in the future. But not all arguments need to become all-out attacks.

However, if this does happen, try your best to steer clear of these three marriage-killing toxic topics:

1. Its all your fault!

Blaming your partner for absolutely everything thats gone wrong in the marriage is not just inflammatory, its downright inaccurate.

Even if you actually have the worst partner in the world, which is unlikely, ultimately engaging in this horrible relationship makes you equally culpable in the turmoil.

A toxic relationship with a cheating, lying, abusive, neglectful person would not be possible unless both people chose to stay in the marriage. And if youre trying to work things out in this chaos, you dont need to live together or be in constant contact while this happens. Separation and individual counseling means you can disengage from the negative elements of the marriage in a controlled and thoughtful way without immediately ending it.

Whats more likely, however, is one partner feels the other is majorly responsible for the collapse of much of the relationship and exaggerates by blaming him or her for everything.

When you do this you are backing your spouse into a corner and inciting a defensive response, instead of encouraging them to see things from your perspective. When the argument becomes this imbalanced, you vs. your mate, youll both be fighting against each other instead of fighting for your marriage.

2. Its your job!

This is another way of saying What are you good for?

Its one thing to attack your spouse with everything he or she doesnt do. Its quite another to bully him or her into believing this lapse is a reflection of his worth as a man or her value as a woman.

You may actually believe that it is your husbands responsibility to provide financially for the family, but when you call his manhood into question because he is struggling to do so, it only increases the feelings of helplessness instead of making him feel empowered.

If you believe it is a womans responsibility to bear and care for children, and you find yourself up against a career woman who wishes to remain childless, telling her what she needs to do with her body in order to be acceptable, wont apply positive pressure in the situation.

You married your spouse because you loved him and saw yourself traversing the challenges of life with him. Patience, compassion, and support are often the first to go however, when frustrations fly and expectations are violated.

You may not have planned on a single income or a childless existence, but that does not mean your spouse is less of a person.

3. Why am I with you?!

It may be easy to say Why am I with you? Why are you like this? and Why cant you be different? in the thick of a down and dirty dogfight. However, when the dust settles these things can be very hard to swallow.

While behavior and certain aspects of personality can be changed over time, the essence of who someone is is something you must learn to live with.

Questioning why your spouse is who he is, and more importantly why you ever married him, can leave a scar on your marriage that may never heal. It can negate all of the loving affirmations and positive promises youve made to him so far. And it can haunt any apology and subsequent reaffirmation you make to your union. Questioning your marriage and your spouse in their entireties is dangerous territory. Steer clear at all costs.

Toxic fights can be narrowly avoided with a little forethought into the aftermath of the battle. Think about what you are really looking to get out of the situation; positive change and a better future together.

You wont achieve these things with attacks and blasts aimed at destroying your spouse. There are many destructive ways to address your partner, but these 3 toxic topics will hurt your marriage deeply for a long time to come.
Sign up for our E-Newsletters
How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
ce406c66b9871a104ac24256a687e4821d75680dcfc89d9e5398939543f7f88f
A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
Latest Obituaries