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Uninspired 'Gods of Egypt' is a convoluted mess of filler CGI
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Gerard Butler stars as Set in Gods of Egypt." - photo by Josh Terry
"GODS OF EGYPT" 1 stars Gerard Butler, Brenton Thwaites, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau; PG-13 (fantasy violence and action and some sexuality); in general release

Gods of Egypt is much more interested in spectacle than substance, which would be great if its spectacle were more substantial. Instead, over the course of two hours, its thin and convoluted story gradually gets lost in a chaotic mess of underdeveloped CGI.

Director Alex Proyas film is set in ancient mythological Egypt at a time when gods walked among men. Some are benevolent, some are a bit more egomaniacal, but luckily for viewers, all of the Egyptian gods stand about 50 percent taller than standard mortals.

As Gods of Egypt opens, King Osiris (Bryan Brown) is about to pass his throne to his son Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), who intends to continue his fathers gracious reign. But Osiriss jealous brother Set (Gerard Butler) has other plans, crashing the coronation and killing the old king before putting out Horus magic eyes.

Fast-forward a bit, and Set has enslaved the human race, primarily to build a mammoth obelisk in tribute to his father, the sun god Ra (Geoffrey Rush). This stirs unrest, especially in a young mortal named Bek (Brenton Thwaites), who is determined to free his beloved Zaya (Courtney Eaton) from Sets chief builder Urshu (Rufus Sewell). So Bek steals one of Horus magic eyes out of Sets vault and sets out to find the exiled king-to-be.

After some reluctant bargaining, helped by the return of one of his eyes, Horus agrees to team up with Bek to overthrow Set. To do so, they must visit Ra, who seems to spend most of his time fighting a cosmic sandworm that is threatening to eat Earth. They also have to enlist the help of Thoth (Chadwick Boseman), the god of wisdom, and Horus ex-girlfriend Hathor (Elodie Yung), a mistress of the Underworld who has been at Sets side ever since the failed coronation.

The twists and turns of the next hour and a half mask a simple premise, but the straightforward plot often gets bogged down in the kind of supernatural mythology that suggests Gods of Egypts writers were making up the rules as they went along. By the time the films third act arrives, the storys myriad threads are tied into an incomprehensible knot.

This wouldnt be that big a deal if the visual spectacle delivered. Instead, a truckload of low-grade CGI is thrown about the screen constantly, averaging about one good visual for every 10 that fall flat. Impressive CGI creatures such as the aforementioned sandworm and a pair of giant cobras are too often undermined by cheap-looking green screen renderings and other sub-par animations.

When combined with the weak story, the results are lifeless. Take the early sequence where Bek is trying to steal back Horus eye. After cleverly navigating his way through a pair of booby-traps, Bek is dropped onto a path full of swirling, rotating and jabbing swords, and he has to duck, dive and leap his way through on instinct and blind luck. Theres never any question that hes going to make it, and the combination of preposterous premise and unbelievable animation sucks any tension from the sequence.

The acting is about as melodramatic as youd expect from this kind of CGI-heavy fantasy, and Butler is clearly having the most fun of the lot. But without a riveting story or compelling imagery to boost interest, Gods of Egypt leaves audiences with the visual equivalent of off-brand junk food. It will do in a pinch, but the aftertaste might leave you asking why you bothered.

"Gods of Egypt" is rated PG-13 for fantasy violence and action, and some sexuality; running time: 127 minutes
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Have You Seen This? Street musician slays with clarinet
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Better than almost every face-melting guitar or drum solo. - photo by Facebook video screenshot

THE BIG EASY — Yeah, yeah, we all know that New Orleans is stuffed to the gills will incredible musicians.

But knowing that fact and then hearing that fact are two different things. You can step into any number of jazz clubs on any given night on Bourbon Street, and you’ll probably be impressed with virtually every act. Or you can sit at home on your comfy couch and watch this featured video.

In the video, you’ll see a woman who is in the groove. She is swinging hard, and wailing on her clarinet with a practiced expertise that makes it sounds so easy.

From note one you’ll be drawn in; your appreciation will grow with every second, and then your face will melt off when you realize how incredible she really is.

If you’ve never played a woodwind or a brass, you may not know everything that comes with a performance like this. Lung capacity and breath control are huge factors in keeping your notes clear and loud, and hitting those high notes is especially difficult.

So when this woman hits that high note and holds it for several seconds, you know you’re dealing with an exceptional musician. It means she has worked hard for years to develop skill on top of her natural talent, and we get to benefit.

It kinda makes you wonder how we let people get away with mumble rap and autotune when talent like this exists in the world.

I wish this video were longer, and I wish I had more information about this woman, but as it is, we’ll just have to appreciate the little flavor of New Orleans jazz posted by the Facebook group Clarinet Life.

Martha Ostergar is a writer who delights in the ridiculous that internet serves up, which means she's more than grateful that she gets to cruise the web for amazing videos to highlight for your viewing pleasure.
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