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Chaotic 'Kidnap' is a campy 'Taken' clone in a minivan
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Sage Correa and Halle Berry in "Kidnap." - photo by Josh Terry
KIDNAP 2 stars Halle Berry, Sage Correa, Chris McGinn, Lew Temple, Jason George; R (violence and peril); in general release

Kidnap feels destined to become one of those strange but watchable movies you get wrapped up in while surfing cable channels late at night. It takes itself just a hair too seriously to be any real fun, but it would be dishonest to deny its mild B-movie appeal.

Director Luis Prietos Kidnap tells the story of a single mother who chases down a pair of miscreants after they abduct her son. Its more or less a Taken clone, swapping Liam Neeson for Halle Berry in a minivan, and Europe for Bayou Country in Louisiana.

The plot doesnt waste time. We meet Karla Dyson (Berry) at her waitress job in a Louisiana diner, and spend just enough time with her to see her mouth off to a rude customer, which tells us she has spunk. Then she whisks her 6-year-old son Frankie (Sage Correa) off to a crowded public park, where he is promptly kidnapped and loaded into an old 1980s beater Mustang.

But rather than freeze in a daze at the park, Kidnaps mom-tagonist immediately sets off in pursuit of the kidnappers, first clinging to the side of their car, then somehow picking herself off the pavement and into her minivan in time to initiate a bizarre and chaotic car chase that is just campy and melodramatic enough to undermine its own tension.

Amazingly, this chase takes up the bulk of the movie, as Karla careens through traffic, causing numerous wrecks in her wake, never losing sight of her boy. Even when the kidnappers a pair of cartoon rednecks (Chris McGinn and Lew Temple) apparently in the middle of a child trafficking ring threaten Frankies life, Karla still manages to stay on their trail.

There are a few pauses here or there Karla stops at a police station just long enough to conclude that the long arm of law enforcement is inferior to her and her indestructible minivan but for the most part, Kidnap is a point A to point B spectacle that manages to be bad and watchable at the same time, but never quite crazy enough to be real fun.

It will be hard for anyone who has seen Taken to watch Kidnap without drawing obvious and unfortunate comparisons. It is interesting to consider swapping the special set of skills that Neeson uses to wipe out the Albanian bad guys with Berrys pure maternal instincts. Kidnap almost feels like a 94-minute illustration of that legend about the mom who finds the strength to lift a Buick in order to save her trapped child. (Its really too bad someone didnt have enough of a sense of humor to release Kidnap on Mothers Day weekend.)

But sadly, Kidnaps clumsy clunkiness, exposition-heavy monologues and inferior story keep it in that late-night cable category that seems perfectly entertaining so long as you arent paying for it. Even if Kidnap manages to keep your attention, you never really fear for Frankies life, and that lack of emotional engagement prevents the film from truly connecting, no matter how cool it is to see a blood spattered Berry stalk out of her trashed ride brandishing a sawed-off double-barrel shotgun, then pat the hood affectionately before setting off for the films final act.

Kidnap is rated R for violence and peril; running time: 94 minutes.
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Have You Seen This? Street musician slays with clarinet
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Better than almost every face-melting guitar or drum solo. - photo by Facebook video screenshot

THE BIG EASY — Yeah, yeah, we all know that New Orleans is stuffed to the gills will incredible musicians.

But knowing that fact and then hearing that fact are two different things. You can step into any number of jazz clubs on any given night on Bourbon Street, and you’ll probably be impressed with virtually every act. Or you can sit at home on your comfy couch and watch this featured video.

In the video, you’ll see a woman who is in the groove. She is swinging hard, and wailing on her clarinet with a practiced expertise that makes it sounds so easy.

From note one you’ll be drawn in; your appreciation will grow with every second, and then your face will melt off when you realize how incredible she really is.

If you’ve never played a woodwind or a brass, you may not know everything that comes with a performance like this. Lung capacity and breath control are huge factors in keeping your notes clear and loud, and hitting those high notes is especially difficult.

So when this woman hits that high note and holds it for several seconds, you know you’re dealing with an exceptional musician. It means she has worked hard for years to develop skill on top of her natural talent, and we get to benefit.

It kinda makes you wonder how we let people get away with mumble rap and autotune when talent like this exists in the world.

I wish this video were longer, and I wish I had more information about this woman, but as it is, we’ll just have to appreciate the little flavor of New Orleans jazz posted by the Facebook group Clarinet Life.

Martha Ostergar is a writer who delights in the ridiculous that internet serves up, which means she's more than grateful that she gets to cruise the web for amazing videos to highlight for your viewing pleasure.
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