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Humor: Israel offering Trump a square

God bless everyone...

POSTED: May 12, 2018 6:00 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

Israel announced it will name a city square in Jerusalem after President Trump in gratitude for his moving the U.S. Embassy there. Naming a square for Trump in the ancient city seems like an appropriate honor. Any guy with that many revelations might as well have his name in the Bible.

President Trump went on TV Tuesday and announced the U.S. was withdrawing from the Iran nuclear deal. The cable news anchors immediately reported that after 16 months of intense pressure, Trump’s just pulled out. Can’t we even start a war with Iran without it sounding like porn?

John Kerry ripped President Trump Tuesday for canceling the Iran nuclear deal which Kerry had brokered. Kerry even tried personal diplomacy last week but failed to get the U.S. and Iran to the table. If there’s one thing we have learned about diplomacy it’s that John Kerry is no Dennis Rodman.

New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art used the Catholic Church as the theme of this year’s ball Monday. The N.Y. archdiocese supported the church theme as publicity for God’s ever-present healing hand. A brain-dead boy miraculously came back to life Friday, so there’s hope for Democrats.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo flew to Pyongyang Tuesday to further negotiate peace terms and de-nuclearization with North Korea dictator’s Kim Jung Un and his generals. Talk about a tough crowd. For years and years, North Koreans only knew three words of English— you not funny.

West Virginia Republicans voted Tuesday to send state attorney general John Morrissey into the general election against Joe Manchin this fall. The hilarious coal magnate Don Blankenship finished third, but his after-party was the most fun. That’s because his probation ended at midnight.

Barack Obama objected to Trump’s canceling the Iran deal on Tuesday. In 16 months, Trump has gutted Obamacare, signed orders overturning Obama’s restrictions on ICE agents and on offshore drilling, pulled out of Obama’s Paris climate treaty and Obama’s Iran deal. It’s left Obama with such a conservative legacy that he’s just been offered a peerage and a seat in the House of Lords.

Aviation Weekly reported that U.S. airlines had their second-most profitable year in history this past year. They’re still tweaking renovations. A Southwest airliner collided with a pick-up truck on the runway at Baltimore’s airport last week, prompting Southwest to cancel its Uber pilot program.

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman was outed for beating and slapping four of his lovers during bondage sex. The attorney general would call one of the women his slave and he spanked her until she called him master. It’s how every third episode of I Love Lucy ended back in the 50s.

The New York Post reported all the salacious details of Attorney General Eric Schneiderman’s whips-and-chains love life on Tuesday. He has resigned in disgrace. He’s so angry at the New York Post for publishing the details of his bondage fetish that he’s threatened to cancel all his personal ads.

The Pentagon marked the anniversary of Victory in Europe Day Tuesday, commemorating the defeat of Adolf Hitler. Most young people polled today don’t know who he was or what he did. That allows political candidates to freely call each other Hitler without being hassled by fact-checkers.

 E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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