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Humor: Tiger Woods back at the Masters

God bless everyone...

POSTED: April 7, 2018 1:30 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump slammed Amazon Tuesday, saying they cost the Post Office huge losses by the way they use it as their delivery boy. The numbers paint a brighter picture. Last year, the Postal Service lost over $2 billion, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.

The White Privilege Conference begins today in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It shows how whites use language to maintain power over minorities. Maybe I’m incorrigible, but am I the only one to notice the White Privilege Conference is being held the same week we’re all enjoying the Masters?

The Masters teed off this week at Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia amid renewed fan frenzy this year. Fred Couples observed this week that Tiger Woods is the same as he was 10 years ago. That means he can crush his drives, sink his putts and spot a wedding ring 300 yards away.

L.A. Angels rookie star Shohei Ohtani slammed his first homer on Tuesday. The Asian bargain not only hits regularly in the line-up, he already won his first game pitching, and he costs the team only $500,000 a year. The Players Union needs to remember this was how Walmart started.

The Villanova Wildcats defeated the Michigan Wolverines Monday night to capture the NCAA basketball tournament and claim the national championship. This is the time when I always enter the betting pool. I just finished filling out my March Madness bracket and I have the IRS taking it all.

President Trump announced on Tuesday that he’s going to deploy the U.S. military to guard the U.S.-Mexican border against invading illegal immigrants. This has all the makings of a gallant last stand. The Battle of the Alamo looked like six Los Angeles high schools getting out at the same time.

President Trump praised Mexico for breaking up a huge caravan from Honduras heading up Mexico toward the U.S. The Hondurans crossed illegally into Mexico. It’s sad to think that one hundred years ago Honduras was a prosperous British colony, and today they are Mexico’s Mexicans.

The White House vowed to crack down on sanctuary cities in California Monday as California officials cited states’ rights. This isn’t new. Tensions over the issue of states’ rights versus federal rights boiled over Friday when Jerry Brown revealed that he has a missile that can reach Fort Sumter.

The Commonwealth Games in London released its official brochure Tuesday that accidentally listed England as an African nation. Don’t blink. If true, it could cost David Duke his Clorox commercials for whiter sheets if he keeps insisting that his ancestors came to America from England.

President Trump named White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to head the VA. This year he examined Trump and cleared him of any mental impairment. A poll said 48 percent of Americans think Trump is mentally unstable and 52 percent say that’s what they like about him.

President Trump gave a serious policy speech to toddlers while standing next to a giant rabbit at the Easter Egg Roll on Monday. It’s not a tradition familiar to New Yorkers. That morning, Melania asked Donald if he’s ready for the Easter Egg Roll and he replied that he hates Chinese food.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney appeared in court Friday to ask a U.S. judge if he may get President Trump in a private session to testify about their alleged affair. They want to get Trump alone in a room and then depose him. This sounds like the start of every Stormy Daniels movie ever made.

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