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Funniest jokes of 2017, part 2

God bless America, how's everybody?

POSTED: January 11, 2018 6:00 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? It’s time for a week of the funniest jokes of 2017, our annual Year-in-Review.

APRIL—Don Rickles died at 90 of kidney failure in Hollywood. His life drew warm and fond words of remembrance from President Trump. He rose to the top by cheerfully insulting blacks, Hispanics, women, gays, Asians, Italians, Jewish people and Muslims, and so did Don Rickles.

United Airlines lost over $200 million in stock value after an Asian-American was dragged off the plane when he wouldn’t give up his seat. Americans should follow the news more closely. This week, United Airlines was just voted America’s favorite Chinese takeout.

Easter Sunday is celebrated across the nation this morning starting with sunrise passion plays followed by packed church services. And Easter dinner is a huge tradition in the Protestant South. The liturgy says that whenever two or more Methodists are gathered in his name, a chicken must die.

MAY—President Trump recently rescued a little boy who fell into the lion’s habitat at the Washington D.C. National Zoo. Trump leaped over the fence, punched the lion, and snatched the boy from its paw. That night CNN reported that Donald Trump attacked an African immigrant and stole his lunch.

Barack Obama took some heat from Democrats for his four $100,000 speeches this past weekend. Former presidents have many opportunities to make money. It was reported in Publisher’s Weekly Tuesday that Bill Clinton is writing a crime novel, it’s called "My Life with Hillary."

President Trump celebrated with House Republicans Thursday after they passed a plan that repeals and replaces Obamacare. They claim the GOP health care plan doesn’t make promises it can’t keep. Under the Republican plan, if you like your doctor, you can caddy for him on Wednesdays.

JUNE—Floyd Maywether signed to box MMA champ Conor McGregor in the first billion-dollar fight in August. What a sport. The Boxing Hall of Fame just announced plans to induct Bill Cosby now that testimony revealed he’s knocked out more people than Mohammed Ali and Joe Louis combined.

San Diego State offered extra credit to students who’ll take tests showing the amount of white privilege they enjoy. It causes resentments. The day I moved to Hollywood in 1976, my apartment housemaid looked me in the eye and vowed that she would never work for a Southerner, so I sold her.

James Comey’s Senate testimony today about Russian election interference will draw running Twitter commentary from millions of TV viewers including the president. And there is no censor or filter. If the newspaper is the evolution of the town crier, Twitter is the evolution of the town drunk.

JULY—"Dunkirk" opened in theaters Friday about the epic evacuation of British troops from France at the start of World War II. That war left a lot of unanswered questions. Asians in Los Angeles are such bad drivers I am starting to believe that those World War II kamikaze attacks were just accidents.

Melania Trump was reported Thursday to be going on a visit to Britain in August where she’d meet with Prince Harry at Buckingham Palace. Much is resting in her hands. Melania could win the Nobel Peace Prize in September just by hiding her husband’s smartphone and changing the password.

The Los Angeles Times reports that California ski resorts still have a 9-foot snowpack after a record winter snowfall. The resorts plan to host snow skiers into August. It turns out that global warming is produced by the same computer model that gave sub-prime mortgages a Triple-A rating.

Investor’s Daily laid out a retirement plan for young adults which requires disciplined savings and blue-chip investments that’d leave them wealthy at age 65. You also learn to cut corners here and there. Last year I saved 15 percent on car insurance by leaving the scene of the accident.

AUGUST - California lawmakers pushed a bill to give the DMV more power to regulate self-driving cars before they show up on the road. Apple has just applied for a license to test them. With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there’ll be a country western song about your truck leaving you, too.

Fox News dispatched their TV reporters to cities from Portland, Oregon, down to Charleston, South Carolina, Monday to cover the millions of people witnessing the phenomenon they would only see once in their entire lifetimes. The Great American Eclipse finally arrived. It’s called China.

SEPTEMBER - Playboy’s legendary founder and publisher Hugh Hefner died at age 91 at his Holmby Hills mansion on Wednesday. The timing was absolutely perfect. If anybody doubts that God has a sense of humor, let it be recorded in the Book of Life that Hugh Marston Hefner died on Hump Day.

Hurricane Harvey flood waters receded on the Gulf Coast after inflicting billions and billions of dollars worth of damage and rebuilding costs. Life below sea level has always been a precarious prospect. On any given day, half of Louisiana is under water while the other half is under indictment.

OCTOBER - Harvey Weinstein was kicked out of the Academy of Motion Pictures and also evicted from the Producers Guild due to dozens of accusations by actresses against him for sexual assault. Even worse, his condition is rapidly deteriorating in sex rehab. Last night, Harvey took a turn for the nurse.

Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis went to Capitol Hill Friday to reveal the details of the ambush of U.S. forces in Niger in central Africa. The tense waiting period is grating on nerves. Democrats are beginning to lose hope, because after five days President Trump still hasn’t mispronounced Niger.

NOVEMBER - Prince Harry and Hollywood actress Meghan Markle held a press conference at Buckingham Palace saying they’ll be married. They’ll live in Kensington Palace. So now, Meghan Markle is the only Hollywood celebrity to keep the promise they made last year to leave the U.S. if Trump got elected.

DECEMBER - Prince Harry announced Monday that he is engaged to be married to an American TV actress named Meghan Markle. The palace reaction was predictable. The queen said she was overjoyed, Prince Charles said he was just thrilled, and James Bond was ordered to make it look like an accident.

FBI agent Peter Strzok, it was learned, was fired from the Trump-Russia probe after his e-mail revealed he’s partisan anti-Trump and pro-Hillary. It’s tough for today’s FBI agents to live up to the standards for personal character set by their founder. J. Edgar Hoover left some very high heels to fill.

Alabama voters elected Democrat Doug Jones to the Senate over GOP candidate Roy Moore Tuesday by a thin margin. It’s still contentious. Following the results, Roy Moore demanded a recount, and within one minute it was confirmed that the number of his underage accusers was nine.

 E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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