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Humor: Flying Amtrak, difference in political parties

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: December 25, 2017 10:51 a.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Department of Transportation on Tuesday projected that 80 million Americans will be traveling over the 11-day holidays starting Friday, putting a strain on our infrastructure. After New Year’s, I’m planning on traveling up to Washington State. Wish me luck, I will be flying Amtrak.

The Hollywood Christmas Parade was attended by thousands of people on Hollywood Boulevard last week. The city has its own theology. Living in L.A., I’ve often wondered if Joseph and Mary had a bumper sticker on the back of their donkey that read My Son is God at Nazareth Elementary School.

Pope Francis ripped the media for sensationalizing the news by dredging up old scandals and misbehaviors of prominent people, calling it a serious sin. We have a show to put on down here. If you would never want to waste your time sitting through a sitcom with no sex in it, why would God?

Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson was hit by sex misconduct charges amid an NFL season already racked by fan outrage over anthem kneeling. The half-empty stadiums say it all. 2017 will go down in history as the year Twitter replaced pro football as America’s substitute for war.

The GOP House and Senate passed President Trump’s signature tax cuts Tuesday amid bitter partisan arguments that boiled down to class warfare. It’ll never end. Democrats were put on this earth to remind us that life isn’t fair, and Republicans were put on this earth to make sure that it isn’t.

Los Angeles has the worst drivers in the U.S., according to a Quote Wizard insurance study. It’s gridlock, speeding through lights, DUIs, stoned driving and cell phone use. Germans stand at the dock and wave goodbye to L.A.-bound Mercedes Benzes like they’ve been ordered to the Eastern Front.

The L.A. Times reports that an anesthesiologist has been charged with murder after a patient’s death during plastic surgery. It’s the one thing everybody takes seriously in L.A. However, the anesthesiologist is going to be alright, he asked the plastic surgeon to put an innocent look on his face.

Comedy Central canceled a Gene Simmons Friars Club roast after a sex misconduct charge. It was a replacement for a Friars Roast of Harvey Weinstein. If this purge doesn’t end, the next Friars Roast will consist of Pope Francis and Billy Graham telling Baptist and Catholic jokes on each other.

CBS Late Show’s host Stephen Colbert sold Showtime a 10-episode animated TV series that makes fun of Trump that’s called "Our Cartoon President." It’s sure to anger Republicans. There’s already an animated TV series about Trump that makes fun of Democrats, it’s called the Roadrunner.

The University of Michigan had a three-day Whiteness Seminar for white employees to help them deal with their whiteness as they push for social justice causes. The seminar was for whites only. It took 60 years, but Democrats have figured out a way to make segregation fashionable again.

Forbes magazine estimated that Americans will spend 10 billion dollars on diet programs and diet foods after the holidays. The European Union parliament on Tuesday categorized obesity as a disease. From now on, every parking spot at McDonald’s is going to have a wheelchair painted on it.

The White House acknowledged Tuesday that the Pentagon has recently been studying UFOs and evidence of alien life visiting this planet. Suddenly Mexico realized why Donald Trump hasn’t been talking lately about making them pay for a border wall. He’s going to make them build a dome.

Email Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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