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Humor: Unlocking Weinstein's cell phone

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: November 11, 2017 6:30 a.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The New York Marathon women’s race was won by American Shalane Flanagan Sunday. She had a brilliant strategy for outrunning everybody. She imagined that she was being chased down the street by Weinstein, Spacey, Cosby, Hoffman and the Affleck brothers, and she won by a half-mile.

ABC News reports Harvey Weinstein hired an elite detective agency run by former spies to dig up dirt on women who accused him of sexual misconduct. It’s not his year. Last night, Harvey Weinstein shoved his new iPhone X in his back pocket and the facial recognition unlocked the phone.

Rand Paul said he doesn’t know why his neighbor tackled him while he was mowing his yard in Kentucky Friday and broke five of his ribs. It sounds like a TV commercial you hear every day during cable news. Ask your doctor if taking a pill with 17 pages of side effects is right for you.

Democrats celebrated in Virginia and New Jersey Tuesday as Democratic candidates won the governorships of both states, and the New York mayor’s race. There was only one incident that ruined an otherwise perfect day for them. Vladimir Putin was spotted in Moscow wearing an I Voted sticker.

Twitter announced it’ll allow users to double the amount of characters they may use in a tweet to 280 characters. A departing Twitter employee Friday cut off Trump’s account for 11 minutes. It forced CNN to re-open the case of the missing Malaysian airliner.

President Trump spoke to South Korea and hailed western values such as free markets, private enterprise and free speech. It sounded quaint. A poll last week revealed that only 50 percent of U.S. college students believe in free speech, and the rest believe that government should pay for speech.

President Trump praised South Korea’s female golfers in his speech in Seoul Tuesday. Trump noted that Koreans were the four top finishers this summer at the LPGA U.S. Open held at Trump National Golf Club. The TV ratings went through the roof when he added a bathing suit competition.

Japan’s ruling party plans to change Japan’s constitution to allow Japan’s military to be more aggressive. Japanese law doesn’t allow Japan’s Army to go out of Japan for the same reason you don’t let Argus Hamilton go get the beer. Despite how well they have been behaving, it’s still too soon.

The White House had no comment when told that President Trump was the number-one scary disguise worn by revelers in the West Hollywood Halloween parade last week. You can’t make it up. People in Hollywood hate Trump, but they’ll pay $100 a gram in order to act like him.

The Hill reported on Tuesday that a record number of Americans signed up for Obamacare as enrollment period began. The primary care situation is unraveling. Obamacare has caused such a logjam that Medicare patients have to work as caddies on Wednesdays if they want to see a doctor.

Papa John’s Pizza pulled its sponsorship of the NFL broadcasts due to customer anger over the players kneeling in protest during the national anthem. Psychologists say American football is a substitute that satisfies our lust for war. Then, just to be on the safe side, we also have a bunch of wars.

The Labor Department reports unemployment is at its lowest level in 17 years and the applications for food stamps are way down. That’s good for our self-esteem. Getting food stamps for doing nothing is like being paid $174,000 a year to sit in Congress.

 E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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