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Humor: Beer can aluminium paying better than bank interest

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: November 2, 2017 6:30 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Comedy Store celebrated our 45th anniversary with a spectacular show of stand-ups Saturday. Backstage I helped my pal Yakov Smirnov write a joke making fun of CNN’s mania to get Trump. The joke must’ve killed because now I’m under investigation for colluding with the Russians.

West Hollywood hosted a million revelers for its annual Halloween Parade on Santa Monica Boulevard Tuesday, however the traditional children’s trick-or-treating took place next door in Beverly Hills. Not one child came to my door the entire night. This Kevin Spacey costume is amazing.

Forbes magazine forecast that new fortunes will be made by ambitious and shrewd Americans as technology continues to advance at a dizzying pace. All it takes is an original idea. Halloween comes on the last day of the month, so I dressed up as my landlord and made $15,000.

The Los Angeles Dodgers forced a game seven on Tuesday night with a win over the talented young Houston Astros. It was Halloween night, and for some reason, many fans in the bleachers dressed as zombies. Zombies do two things people in Los Angeles would never do, walk and eat meat.

Daily Variety warned the number of Hollywood stars and producers outed by their victims over past sexual misbehavior is just beginning. It’s so competitive. Just when everyone said that no one could screw up their career in Hollywood like Harvey Weinstein did, Kevin Spacey said, hold my beer.

CBS News reported the Robert John Foundation survey which said the nine most obese states are in the South. It’s now way out of hand. The obesity epidemic is so rampant in Louisiana that a revival of Tennessee Williams plays in New Orleans is going to begin with A Streetcar Named Dessert.

The London Daily Mail reports in an anthropological study from Leeds University which says that men’s brains have been pre-conditioned over millions of years to seek out sex over food. It’s easily proven. When’s the last time you’ve seen a man checking out pictures of meals on the Internet?

Nancy Pelosi vowed Monday that she plans to stay head of the House Democrats just as Mitch McConnell vowed to remain in charge of Senate Republicans. Voter fatigue is setting in. Congress’ job approval rating is so low that people think of it whenever O’Doul’s advertises its alcohol content.

Investors Daily laid out a retirement plan for young people requiring disciplined savings and blue-chip investments that’ll leave them wealthy at age 65. You also learn to cut expenses here and there. Last year I saved 15 percent on car insurance by leaving the scene of the accident.

Paul Manafort advised Philippines’ Ferdinand Marcos, Zaire’s Mobutu Sese Seko, Angola’s Jonas Savimbi, and Ukraine’s Viktor Yanuckovich. All were overthrown. In the grand scheme of things, Manafort’s political advice exists only to make France feel better about their won-loss record.

President Trump saluted the U.S. military who just helped liberate Syria from the clutches of ISIS the past two weeks. The U.S. military policy is set in stone. It’s important right now to remember that Syria belongs to the Syrian people, and if fracking turns up nothing, we’re heading back home.

The Wall Street Journal reports that U.S. banks are having a record year in profits. They did it despite the current low-interest rate environment. I don’t understand why banks are doing so well nowadays when drinking beer and saving the cans give you a higher yield than certificates of deposit.

E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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