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Humor: When world leaders dated

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: October 7, 2017 6:30 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Las Vegas shooting Sunday sparked a bitter debate on social media over gun rights in the U.S. and how far gun rights extend to American citizens. Taken as a whole, last weekend taught us all one lesson. There are now two places that you can no longer go to safely, North Korea and outside.

North Korea went on high military alert following a Twitter exchange between Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump calling each other crazy and deranged. All the name calling and the lies flying back and forth between Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump can only mean one thing. They once dated.

The U.S. Monuments Commission said a 50-foot-high statue of a nude woman will be built on the National Mall in D.C. Now that’s my country. It took decades after their deaths for statues to be built honoring Lincoln, Jefferson and King, but it took five days to build one honoring Hugh Hefner.

The UN published a study of diet requirements to help bring distressed populations worldwide to a proper weight. They said fruits and vegetables are necessary to build up bones and muscle in sub-Saharan Africa. As for the U.S., the UN points out that cocaine is zero points on Weight Watchers.

The Department of Health released a diet study saying that the states with the most obesity are Alabama, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas and Kentucky. And everyone’s excuse is that it’s not their fault. ISIS just claimed responsibility for opening my package of chocolate donuts.

The Las Vegas shootings elicited statistics showing there were 30,000 gun deaths last year, but only 5,000 were from gun violence. There were 200,000 accidental deaths during medical treatment. This means you are safer in Chicago than you are in the hospital.

The Las Vegas shooter was identified as a wealthy accountant named Stephen Haddock who was worth millions of dollars due to his prowess as a real estate investor in Nevada. However, one thing you can bet on. ISIS is now re-thinking their entire strategy of trying to out-crazy white people.

GOP senators took a lot of heat Tuesday over their proposed bill that would legalize silencers on firearms. The idea is perfectly reasonable from a Republican’s perspective. If there’s one thing that’s worse than an automatic weapon going off, it’s one going off in the middle of your backswing.

England’s Prime Minister Theresa May was the first world leader to denounce the Las Vegas shootings Sunday night. Other leaders and group soon followed. The Islamic Council of America just condemned the Las Vegas shootings and no, Mr. President, it wasn’t for cultural appropriation.

Senate Democrats seized on the Las Vegas shootings to call for re-thinking the whole concept of gun rights in America. It won’t fly. Their only hope is research that would discover the Second Amendment was just a spelling error by a guy who wanted the right to wear sleeveless shirts in public.

A Wall Street Journal poll says only five percent of the coverage of President Trump is positive. It’s because all the audience wants to hear about are problems, faults, past sins and sex scandals. Customers don’t pay the Comedy Store $20 a ticket every night to hear me discuss how well I’m doing.

The UN observed World No Alcohol Day Monday, sponsored by the International Council of Nurses to spotlight the dangers of teen drinking. I did a dozen years of intense research on the subject of drinking and remember the time fondly. Alcohol is not the answer, but it was always my first guess.

 E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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