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Humor: ESPN holds Lee out of Charlottesville

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: August 24, 2017 4:00 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump gave a televised speech on national security at Fort Myer Monday that was well received even by his critics. It left them shaking their heads. Even Democrats have to give Trump credit for being able to read a teleprompter just hours after staring directly into a solar eclipse.

ESPN removed an Asian-American announcer named Robert Lee from calling the University of Virginia’s opening football game Saturday because he has the same name as the Confederate general. It’s jaw-dropping. The mainstream media’s hatred for the South now extends to South Korea.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told reporters on Tuesday he is strongly opposed to players who drop to a knee in disrespect for the National Anthem. They don’t have this problem in the CFL. Canadians never fall to one knee during their national anthem unless they dropped the bottle opener.

New York City’s premier country-western bar, Johnny Utah, was sued by a woman for allowing her to ride the bar’s mechanical bull last month. She tore her ACL when she was thrown onto the sawdust floor. Riding a mechanical bull is the surest way to tell people you’re drunk and you’re white.

The Cleveland Clinic canceled a winter conference at Mar a Lago, citing Trump’s remarks on Charlottesville. Clinic surgeons made news last year performing the world’s first penis transplant. The recipient was a just a school teacher but his penis won the Men’s Decathlon at Montreal in 1976.

President Trump in his Phoenix speech Tuesday repeated his vow to wipe out ISIS and defeat the Afghan Taliban. The terrorists are never going to defeat the United States. ISIS may be able to steer speeding cars into unsuspecting crowds of human targets, but we can do it with Navy cruisers.

President Trump called out John McCain in his Phoenix speech for casting the vote that cost the Obamacare repeal. All this a day after the U.S. Navy cruiser named after the senator rammed a cargo ship. Conservatives are sure it was McCain’s slow turn to the left that caused the catastrophe.

The U.S. Navy explained Tuesday the embarrassing collision in the South China Sea between the USS John McCain and a freighter. The Navy said the McCain suffered a steering casualty. Yeah, right, I believe it was Captain John Paul Jones who once famously said, I have not yet begun to text!

President Trump trashed the media Tuesday for its coverage of his Charlottesville remarks. He is always battling media liberals who characterize Trump as an uncaring child of white privilege. Our maid used to slip shredded carrots into my orange Jell-O, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

President Trump toured the U.S. border in Yuma, Arizona, for his speech at a rally in Phoenix Tuesday. In his speech, he vowed to stop the drugs from coming across the border once and for all. Back in my day, President Carter would have been booed off the stage for saying something like that.

German police seized an outgoing shipment of Donald Trump-shaped ecstasy pills headed for the U.S. The drug makes you wild with certitude and self-confidence. So if the ecstasy pills were shaped like Trump, the smugglers can’t be charged with breaking America’s truth-in-advertising laws.

A Roman Catholic priest in Virginia admitted being a KKK member in the 1970s who burned a cross on a black family’s yard. Reaction was swift. The church suspended the priest, the priest apologized publicly, and the Klan just vowed to tighten up its strict no-Catholics membership policy.

 E-mail Hamiton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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